"so it's not for me to say, because i change my mind from day to day, and when i look at you i only see bits of myself anyway."
i’d like to take a special moment to thank all of you, my readers, for joining me as i drag you alongside me, over the river and through the woods. i’d also to thank our families, my hero – my husband, my life – my daughter and our valiant oncology nurse, megan.
thank you all for being at my side, in whatever capacity that might be.
my blog is not a goldfish. i didn’t forget you were here, waiting for the little flakes to fall like tears from a star.
i’ve spent the better part of today looking for myself, wondering what happened to me, if i might remember, and so that i don’t forget again. there have just been so many days in such a very long row that i’ve been lost, lost to myself, to my family, my friends, my neighbors, to you.
this afternoon i put in a few more hours working on my office. i found some of my tools in the garage. i’d missed calling them mine. i found spools of ribbon in a cabinet and remembered the christmases, birthdays and weddings i’d gotten them for. i hung rolls of pretty wrapping paper on freshly painted rods while listening to music i hadn’t heard in far too long. i heard forgotten memories in long-loved lyrics and found little bits of myself tucked into drawers, hidden away in boxes and slid between the pages of books.
the room isn’t finished and neither am i. i have so many things to do. i hear a thousand projects and unanswered thoughts calling my name. perhaps it’s here, in my own space, that i’ll be able to sort through them all.
i had a pet scan this morning. it should determine if i am in remission. it’s unheard results are weighing heavily on my heart and mind. it’s hard to focus when there’s so much to see through.
i still need help to get through most days, somtimes paralyzed by a fear that hangs on to me like a shadow. it’s hard to ask for help day after day. it’s hard to watch myself being consumed or idly slipping away. but even though i might not be all there, i am still here, waiting, just like you.
su2c asked on twitter if we remebered what we were doing eight years ago on september 11th, 2001. we were living in manhattan. i was on my way to work. the streets were filled with frantic police officers. it was horribly and wonderfully loud, as manhattan so reliably is, but you could feel an eery silence beginning to settle over the city.
there was a mass exodus on foot. people fled the city via every bridge possible. the subways and trains weren’t in service. grand central was locked down because of bomb threat. our building was locked down, too. a cell phone signal near impossible to come by.
nuggetdaddy was working in new jersey then and i was finally able to get a hold of him. we decided i would take the first train out of the city and he would pick me up whereve we could both get to. i made it on the first train out of grand central. it was sweltering. the train filled with an acrid stench. most passengers were covered in a heavy white dust, and in more than their fair share of blood.
it didn’t matter where the train was going, people just got on in hopes of making it out of the city. the train stopped at every single station en route. it took seemingly forever.
nuggetdaddy picked me up at the fleetwood stop and we decded to try to drive back into the city. we had pets and freinds to check on. family and friends desperate to hear our voices. we were finally able to make it back in over some tiny bridge in the bronx.
by now the city was silent. there were no planes in the 
air, no people on the streets. when we woke up the next morning the wind had changed direction. the stench was unbearable. we stayed in the apartment all weekend, happy to be alive and at home with the pets and dr. roommate.
so, su2c, there’s your answer!
tonight, i’m going out with the ladies from our neighborhood for what they’ve aptly named “ladies’ night.” i’ve been terribly depressed for a good while now, so hopefully this will provide me with a much needed, albeit short, mental respite.
it’s hard to blog when i’m depressed. you can gauge my state of mind for yourself just by the frequency of my posts.
monday, i go back to inova loudoun for the week for my last dose of eshap chemo before my transplant. no, cancer doesn’t get labor day off.
it’s hard for me to blog wen i’m home from the hospital, have chemo brain and family staying with us to help. so, this morning i snapped a bunch of garden pics for my twitter feed. check those out here and follow me on twitter, subscribe to or watch my twitter feed, “tweet, tweet” on the sidebar when you’re waiting for me to blog.
last night as i was n, my blood pressure skyrocketed and gave me the most horrible headache i have ever had in my entire life. no exaggeration, no dramatic hyperbole. the worst ever.
thankfully, they lowered my bp with meds and gave me some dilauded for the pain. i’m doing much better today, but it was indeed quite a scare. i seriously though my brain might explode.
so, today i get to have a transfusion. yeah, me! maybe i’ll have more to say about it after i’ve had it. wish me luck.
well, not exactly. just got the news that i’ll have to do a fourth chemo before my transplant. this is going to be a short post so i don’t swear a lot in front of my grandparents. ugh.
i know, i know, i have been seriously blog-negligent. if you’re really getting desperate during one of my unforseen hiatuses, just check my twitter feed on the left sidebar under “tweet, tweet.” that should entertain you.
so, after nugget’s tantie left, her aunt katie and uncle “hibbip” (phillip) came for a visit. nuggetdaddy and i made it up for jenny’s show in alexandria. then my mom from florida came for her turn at casa de bits. nuggetdaddy and i both celebrated birthdays.
now, i’m back in the hospital enjoying a week of chemo, hopefully my last before my transplant. my pet scan was good. the report says “virtually no (cancer cell) activity,” that the site of involvement is “1/2 to 1/3 the size” from the previous scan and there is “comparably less (lymph) nodal involvement.”
i’ve just had 10mg of ambien, so i should be checking out soon. i’ll try to blog again in the morning. peace!
it’s world breastfeeding week! hooray! my lactation consultant and i prepared for it by taking these ridiculous photos while i was in the hospital last week.
one of the labor & delivery nurses knitted her these amazing caps. i would so wear them this week! wouldn’t you? and i have to point out the meticulous, anatomical correctness of the “ethnic” boob with its montgomery glands. awesome.
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when i look at you i only see plurks of myself anyway
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