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today i picked up a nasty and costly little bottle of magic mouthwash from the pharmacy. I don’t have any ulcers thankfully, but i am experiencing some mouth pain that i could certainly do without.
here’s a photo of me from last thursday during my first treatment.
here’s a photo of our last nursing session just before i left for treatment.
well, i never made it to the movies. i didn’t think i’d be able to keep my eyes open through it! the vicodin and ativan are keeping me drowsy and just a little loopy.
i have two incisions from the port insertion. both were completely covered with large steri-strips, which i’ve had before with no problem. yesterday, the skin at the edges of the strips started blistering, peeling and oozing. my mom, an rn, decided i really needed to call my surgeon. i did and thankfully he returned my call quickly. he said i needed to go ahead and take off the strips. so, while he was still on the phone i began the torturous task.
as the strips came off, so did the scabs over my incisions and the blistered patches of skin (and then some). holy hell, that hurt! the larger incision bled. when i peeled the last strip all the way off, it was still attached to a flap of tearing skin. i grabbed my eyebrow scissors and snip-snipped. ick. nugget daddy ran to the store for some dressing supplies
by this afternoon it had finally stopped oozing, but it’s still nasty and painful.
tomorrow is the come-to-jesus meeting with the oncologist. i’m really, really nervous. we’ll find out the results of the bone marrow biopsy and pet scan. we’ll know what stage it is and what nodes are affected. he’ll tell us what treatment he thinks will be best, when i’ll start and how long it will last.
i can feel myself shutting down more and more with each tick of the clock closer to the appointment time. nugget has been nursing like crazy today. my precious baby girl… i’m so scared for her.
“one moment in her presence and you can forget the rest. for the girl is second best to none…”
a year ago, today we welcomed our daughter into the world. she had already been a part of our world for months, but this, this was her big debut.
it was scary. it hurt. a lot. a whole lot. nothing went according to any of the well thought out plans, not a, b or c. there were drugs, fevers, emergencies, scalpels, no time for tears or fears and then, plenty. slice. pull. snip. and just like that, our star was born.
her ten tiny toes, her perfect mouth, her little hands that held on to our fingers, they were all small miracles. the sum of her parts, she was the biggest miracle of them all. did all of these people swarming around us
know? did they know she was the one? the one of so many infertility treatments, the one ivf protocol that finally worked? the one embryo that implanted? the only one that would ever be a baby in our arms? the one dream that we dreamt for oh-so-long that finally came true? we knew.
the 365 days that followed helped fade some of my feelings over the whole experience, how it all shook down that day and over the week that we spent there. or maybe now i just don’t have the time and energy to fixate on those memories. i’m too busy chasing after nugget, picking up her toys, reading her story after story, too busy being her mommy. and i love every single moment of it; i live for it.
“she’s the one.”
today i tied bows for my daughter’s first birthday party invitations. there will be cake and ice cream, balloons and presents with bows. there will be singing, giggling, champagne toasts and tears. i hope it will be everything my little girl could dream of, if she knew to dream of these things. she is everything i have ever dreamt of, my every birthday wish come true.
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