my dear friend barbara visited me today.  she brought disney couture bracelets for nugget and me.  so sweet and just gorgeous (just like her)!

the steroids are really starting to get to me.  i have lots of nervous energy and have a hard time sitting still, despite the fact that i don’t exactly have loads of energy.  i had an ativan nap this afternoon and plan to have another one tonight with phenergan.

the nausea has really kicked in and my appetite is pretty much gone.  that’s okay though.  all i have to do is drink fluids.  i won’t be starving to death anytime soon.

okay, dear readers, that’s the best i can slap together for you right now.  have a good night!

yesterday afternoon, nugget and i picked wild blackberries in the backyard and counted the first of our bloody butcher tomatoes in the garden.  this memory alone could get me through chemo.

the past few days i’ve spent with my head in the sand, as far as it will go, coming up for air only when someone insists on asking about tomorrow.

i’ve also invested a good bit of time in starting my own standup2cancer team.  you can join it here.  our first goal will be to raise $1500 by my 36th birthday on august 15th.  this will be my second birthday spent fighting this disease.

now, i’m asking you, dear reader, to do whatever you can.  join.  donate.  buy an awesome t-shirt.  invite everyone you know.

my sister’s one-day sister-in-law (i just know it!) tagged me in a facebook note, “end of year meme.”  it would have been sooo easy to use the majority of her answers because, dude, it’s like she wrote them just for me!  but, alas, she did not, so i’ve crafted my own responses just for you.

1. what did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
   was diagnosed with and treated for cancer

 

2. did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   i don’t make them

 

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
   most recently, the greenes welcomed their twin girls

 

4. did anyone close to you die?
   i lost an old friend.  he was a great man.

 

5. what countries did you visit?
   chemoland.  it sucked.
   walt disney world

 

6. what would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
   energy and hair

 

7. what date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   june 12^th, it was the last time i nursed my daughter before i started chemo

 

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
   resuming nursing after battling cancer

 

9. what was your biggest failure?
   having to stop nursing
   yes,  i realize that was beyond my control, but to me it felt like failure.

 

10. did you suffer illness or injury?
    yes

 

11. what was the best thing you bought?
    our new house

 

12. whose behavior merited celebration?
    my mother’s
    my husband’s
    my daughter’s

 

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    northern virginia’s drivers

 

14. where did most of your money go?
    our new house

 

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
    taking my daughter to disney for the first time

 

16. what song will always remind you of 2008?
    the hot dog song

 

17. compared to this time last year, are you:
    happier or sadder?  happier
    thinner or fatter?  fatter
    richer or poorer?  poorer

 

18. what do you wish you’d done more of?
    crafted more homemade gifts
    visited more friends
    blogged more
    taken more photos and video of my family and friends

 

19. what do you wish you’d done less of?
    had less cancer
    gained less weight

 

20. how did you spend christmas?
    at our new house with my husband’s parents, brother, sister-in-law, and my parents, grandparents, aunt & her family and her godparents & their family

 

21. did you fall in love in 2008?
    every day

 

22. how many one-night stands?
    (seriously?  this one i have to change to something more mommy blog- friendly)

 
what changes did you make to “green up” your lifestyle?
collected more reusable shopping bags and got my mom in the habit of using them, too
started a compost pile
chose a tankless hot water heater for the new house
 

23. what was your favorite tv show?
    lost

 

24. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
    hate?  that’s much too strong of a word.

 

25. what was the best book you read?
    did i read any books?  i know i started reading anthony bourdain’s the nasty bits, but i can’t even remember if i’ve finished it. 

 

26. what was your greatest musical discovery?
    steve burns’ and the flaming lips’ steven drozd’s ” i hog the ground”
     

 

27. what did you want and get?
    to nurse my daughter again

 

28. what did you want and not get?
    skinnier faster

 

29. what was your favorite film of this year?
    this is the last question i answered because, honestly, i can’t remember watching any movie in its entirety aside from charlie wilson’s war. so i guess that’s it.  though if i’d had opportunity to watch the x-files: i want to believe, i’m sure that would have beat out charlie wilson.

 

30. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    went to my birthday party, 35

 

31. what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    having more energy and less nausea after chemo

 

32. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
    chemo casual

 

33. what kept you sane?
    prozac and ativan

 

34. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    oh, how i love me some brit-brit.  girl is a spectacular disaster!

 

35. what political issue stirred you the most?
    the presidential election, though that was more of a circus then an issue

 

36. whom did you miss?
    my friends from orlando

 

37. who was the best new person you met?
    my chemo nurse, danna

 

38. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
    this is your life, right now.  this is what you get.  stop preparing for “someday” and start living it the way you want to now.

 

39. quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
    “it’s a brand new day,  whatcha  waitin’ for?”

 

40. tag five people to post their answers to this 2008 wrap-up meme. please link back to this blog from yours.
    non-lucid drivel
    the twinkies
    motherhood and cancer
    life with the moonhils
    returnjourney

nugget daddy and her grandmamie brought nugget to my hospital room to get ready for  trick-or-treating.  she was, of course, beyond adorable in her tinker bell dress and wings, sparkly green tinker bell shoes, tinker bell wand and ballet pink tights.  i pulled her tiny tresses up into the best tink-like puff i could manage, fluffed it up with plenty of hairspray and added a clip with tiny white flowers.  she politely shrieked, “dada! dada!” and beamed with pride as she was showered in nugget daddy’s hair product.  what, you didn’t think it was mine, did you?

then we selected where she wanted her green star stamps placed and where best the pink star stamps were suited for.  earlier, i ‘d done a sample patch of each color on each of my cheeks so she could see how they both looked.

then we applied a very liberal dusting of pixie dust.  i should have gotten her some “pixie dust” glitter of her own to keep in her “berry bucket” for dousing unsuspecting passers-by.  ah well, there’s always next year!

we made a few rounds though the halls to the different nurses’ stations.  nugget was heartbreakingly cute and insisted on holding my hand, always unsure of how to navigate around all the wires attached to her mama.  i told her it was almost time to go to the mall for more trick-or-treating and that her grandmamie would be getting her the tinker bell movie while they were there.

we said our goodbyes and i swear, i just couldn’t get enough hugs or kisses from my sweet baby girl.  i watched as they made their way down the hall, all the while nugget was cheerfully waving goodbye, happy as a clam, all pixied-up and ready for more candy collecting.

i stepped back into my room just as the tears started rolling down my face.  i tried to sob silently for my own selfish sadness.  i hoped she was having the time of her life, holding out her fat little felt flower bag – surely that’s what fairies collect halloween candy in – and squealing with delight with the acquisition of each new piece of candy.  she had oh-so-politely signed “thank you” for each treat she’d collected from the nurses and i hoped that trend was continuing at the mall.  i’m so very proud of my little tinklet.

i hope i can get out of here  this weekend in time for the good post-pumpkin day costume sales at the disney store and old navy.  otherwise, i might have to send someone armed with a fully charged cell phone and a whole lot of patience on my behalf!

Posted in disney, hodgkin's lymphoma, holidays, meme, mothering, movies, signing Tagged: baby sign language, bleomycin toxicity, cancer, chemo, chemotherapy, disney, halloween, hodgkin's lymphoma, meme, mothering, tinker bell, tinker bell movie, toddler signing ]]> http://bitsofmyself.com/2008/11/01/how-to-believe/feed/ 9 bits of myself pink night stars face and body stamp green night stars face and body stamp fairy puff shimmer powder tinker bell dvd pottery barn kids' green fairy flower bag http://bitsofmyself.com/2008/08/11/pumping-through-chemotherapy/ http://bitsofmyself.com/2008/08/11/pumping-through-chemotherapy/#comments Mon, 11 Aug 2008 13:46:02 +0000 bits of myself http://bitsofmyself.wordpress.com/?p=481 ]]>

today, the motherwear breastfeeding blog is running a compilation piece of mine.  i’m so honored and excited!  if you haven’t subscribed to that blog yet, i highly recommend it.

and since we’re already talking about me, here’s what some other people have had to say about me recently:

going for the gold – world breastfeeding week 2008
pure love
you’re going to cry
what love looks like

i thought my plate was full.  clearly, i was mistaken.  there’s always room for jell-o.

tuesday, nugget did a little couch diving.  she seemed a bit shaken up post-tumble, but no worse for the wear.  a little motrin (for her) took the edge off that night and in the morning she was right as rain.  but that afternoon something wasn’t right.  nugget was super mama-clingy and telling us her arm hurt.  we took her to the pediatrician who asked us to get an x-ray in the morning. 

we went first thing today and sure enough, both bones are broken, with buckle fractures right above her left wrist.  i do not feel like mother of the year.

nugget now has a pretty green total arm cast for the next three weeks.  she’ll get an x-ray each week through her cast to make sure the bones are healing properly.  they should straighten themselves out on their own and she shouldn’t have any lasting damage.  but still, my poor baby!  and really, did i need this right now?  ugh.  then again, does anyone ever really need jell-o?

i miss nursing my daughter.

good night