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yesterday afternoon, nugget and i picked wild blackberries in the backyard and counted the first of our bloody butcher tomatoes in the garden. this memory alone could get me through chemo.
tomorrow, we visit with the local oncologist and discuss what national cancer center my case will go to for review. i am terrified. i do not want tomorrow. i do not want to be any closer to the hell that is going to rain down on my family for yet a second time.
the past few days i’ve spent with my head in the sand, as far as it will go, coming up for air only when someone insists on asking about tomorrow.
i’ve also invested a good bit of time in starting my own standup2cancer team. you can join it here. our first goal will be to raise $1500 by my 36th birthday on august 15th. this will be my second birthday spent fighting this disease.
now, i’m asking you, dear reader, to do whatever you can. join. donate. buy an awesome t-shirt. invite everyone you know.
nugget daddy and her grandmamie brought nugget to my hospital room to get ready for trick-or-treating. she was, of course, beyond adorable in her tinker bell dress and wings, sparkly green tinker bell shoes, tinker bell wand and ballet pink tights. i pulled her tiny tresses up into the best tink-like puff i could manage, fluffed it up with plenty of hairspray and added a clip with tiny white flowers. she politely shrieked, “dada! dada!” and beamed with pride as she was showered in nugget daddy’s hair product. what, you didn’t think it was mine, did you?
then we selected where she wanted her green star stamps placed and where best the pink star stamps were suited for. earlier, i ‘d done a sample patch of each color on each of my cheeks so she could see how they both looked. then we applied a very liberal dusing of pixie dust. i should have gotten her some “pixie dust” glitter of her own to keep in her “berry bucket” for dousing unsuspecting passers-by. ah well, there’s always next year!
we made a few rounds though the halls to the different nurses’ stations. nugget was heartbreakingly cute and insisted on holding my hand, always unsure of how to navigate around all the wires attached to her mama. i told her it was almost time to go to the mall for more trick-or-treating and that her grandmamie would be getting her the tinker bell movie while they were there.
we said our goodbyes and i swear, i just couldn’t get enough hugs or kisses from my sweet baby girl. i watched as they made their way down the hall, all the while nugget was cheerfully waving goodbye, happy as a clam, all pixied-up and ready for more candy collecting.
i stepped back into my room just as the tears started rolling down my face. i tried to sob silently for my own selfish sadness. i hoped she was having the time of her life, holding out her fat little felt flower bag – surely that’s what fairies collect halloween candy in – and squealing with delight with the acquisition of each new piece of candy. she had oh-so-politely signed “thank you” for each treat she’d collected from the nurses and i hoped that trend was continuing at the mall. i’m so very proud of my little tinklet.
i hope i can get out of here this weekend in time for the good post-pumpkin day costume sales at the disney store and old navy. otherwise, i might have to send someone armed with a fully charged cell phone and a whole lot of patience on my behalf!
today, the motherwear breastfeeding blog is running a compliation piece of mine. i’m so honored and excited! if you haven’t subscribed to that blog yet, i highly recommend it.
and since we’re already talking about me, here’s what some other people have had to say about me recently:
going for the gold – world breastfeeding week 2008
pure love
you’re going to cry
what love looks like
i thought my plate was full. clearly, i was mistaken. there’s always room for jell-o.
tuesday, nugget did a little couch diving. she seemed a bit shaken up post-tumble, but no worse for the wear. a little motrin (for her) took the edge off that night and in the morning she was right as rain. but that afternoon something wasn’t right. nugget was super mama-clingy and telling us her arm hurt. we took her to the pediatrician who asked us to get an x-ray in the morning.
we went first thing today and sure enough, both bones are broken, with buckle fractures right above her left wrist. i do not feel like mother of the year.
nugget now has a pretty green total arm cast for the next three weeks. she’ll get an x-ray each week through her cast to make sure the bones are healing properly. they should straighten themselves out on their own and she shouldn’t have any lasting damage. but still, my poor baby! and really, did i need this right now? ugh. then again, does anyone ever really need jell-o?
i miss nursing my daughter.
good night
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