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i had a PET scan monday afternoon. this evening i got the results from my uncle, since he’s the chief of radiology at the hospital i go to now in richmond. the initial report concludes that the disease is back.
i called my oncologist’s answering service and he called me right away. he’ll be reviewing the scan with his radiologist first thing tomorrow and then we’ll have another call by 11am.
i coincidentally have an appointment with my gp tomorrow for what we thought was a lingering sinus infection. nope, that’s just the cancer giving me the fever.
my uncle is setting me up with an oncologist down here. assuming this is the real deal, i’ll have to start chemo asap. they’re also talking stem cell harvest.
i’m posting this update via crackberry from bed with nugget happily draped across me, asleep, nursing and clutching the other boob in her little fist.
i asked her if she remembered having to stop nursing before. i sobbed and tried my best to reassure her that we will try so very hard to make it back to where we are now.
this is beyond horrifying. i can’t believe we have to go through this again. i can’t believe i have to force my baby girl to stop nursing again. the chemo, that’s nothing.
fuck you, cancer. fuck you very, very much.
we were supposed to close on our house today. that’s been pushed to friday now. the entire first floor had to be restained and refinished.
tomorrow was supposed to be my final chemotherapy session. now i have no idea what the end of my treatment looks like. maybe two more cycles. maybe imrt.
i’m on prednisone indefinitely to combat the bleomycin toxicity damage. yesterday, my pulmonologist added bactrim three times a week to fight off any atypical pneumonias that steroid users are susceptible to.
the steroids have also swollen me to the size of a freshly cracked tube of cinnamon rolls. poppin’ fresh would be proud. none of my clothes fit. i’m not trying to be all, “oh, woe is me, i’m so fat,” i’m just sayin’… i can’t open the closet and just get dressed anymore. it really makes for a bad start to the day. and spending money on fat clothes is really not something i’m amped up for.
my feet are blistered and peeling. my fingernails are falling off. my teeth are getting really sensitive. my joints hurt. i’m tired all the time. i’m overly emotional and can be generally unpleasant far too much of the time. half of my hair is growing back, but it looks muppety and i plan to shave it off. i am so beautiful.
nugget has a cold. she’s been seen three times for it (mostly for my benefit) and is really just fine, but it makes me sad to see her sick, especially when there’s little i can do to comfort her. at least she’s learning to cover her mouth when she coughs.
we drove up to northern virginia yesterday for a bunch of doctor appointments. the plan was for nugget and me to go back to my parents’ last night, but i couldn’t make the drive. so, we’ll try again this afternoon. wish us luck!
hopefully all will go smoothly at closing on friday and slowly but surely we’ll start making our way into our new home. i know my treatment will be sorted out eventually, but it’s difficult to see the supposed, and most anticipated, end come and go.
i know, life’s like this.
don’t you understand, tink? you mean more to me than anything in this whole world!
-peter pan (1953)
nugget daddy and her grandmamie brought nugget to my hospital room to get ready for trick-or-treating. she was, of course, beyond adorable in her tinker bell dress and wings, sparkly green tinker bell shoes, tinker bell wand and ballet pink tights. i pulled her tiny tresses up into the best tink-like puff i could manage, fluffed it up with plenty of hairspray and added a clip with tiny white flowers. she politely shrieked, “dada! dada!” and beamed with pride as she was showered in nugget daddy’s hair product. what, you didn’t think it was mine, did you?
then we selected where she wanted her green star stamps placed and where best the pink star stamps were suited for. earlier, i ‘d done a sample patch of each color on each of my cheeks so she could see how they both looked.
then we applied a very liberal dusting of pixie dust. i should have gotten her some “pixie dust” glitter of her own to keep in her “berry bucket” for dousing unsuspecting passers-by. ah well, there’s always next year!
we made a few rounds though the halls to the different nurses’ stations. nugget was heartbreakingly cute and insisted on holding my hand, always unsure of how to navigate around all the wires attached to her mama. i told her it was almost time to go to the mall for more trick-or-treating and that her grandmamie would be getting her the tinker bell movie while they were there.
we said our goodbyes and i swear, i just couldn’t get enough hugs or kisses from my sweet baby girl. i watched as they made their way down the hall, all the while nugget was cheerfully waving goodbye, happy as a clam, all pixied-up and ready for more candy collecting.
i stepped back into my room just as the tears started rolling down my face. i tried to sob silently for my own selfish sadness. i hoped she was having the time of her life, holding out her fat little felt flower bag – surely that’s what fairies collect halloween candy in – and squealing with delight with the acquisition of each new piece of candy. she had oh-so-politely signed “thank you” for each treat she’d collected from the nurses and i hoped that trend was continuing at the mall. i’m so very proud of my little tinklet.
i hope i can get out of here this weekend in time for the good post-pumpkin day costume sales at the disney store and old navy. otherwise, i might have to send someone armed with a fully charged cell phone and a whole lot of patience on my behalf!
a woman i used to work with messaged me on myspace this week. i read it yesterday and it absolutely made my day, which i might add was spectacularly craptastic up until then.
“i started working at magic kingdom back in 1997 and only partially knew who you were. you were always cool to me at town square and spectromagic and stuff, but we were only acquaintances.i happened upon your page through mikki and started reading your blog, “bits of myself,” and i cannot help being taken by how fucking amazing you are. sorry for the language from someone you do not know, but i can’t think of any other words. i don’t even remember where i started the “bits,” but i backed up to where you found out you had cancer. by the time i got to your final breastfeeding with nugget, there were uncontrollable tears streaming down my face at how you kept apologizing to her, for something that you did not ask for.
i don’t know how much all of this means coming from someone you don’t know, but i just had to get this out. i was driving day parade floats when you were at mk with your baby girl, and i saw you two days in a row. knowing how painful it must be, there you stood in the sun, in a tank top, bald… smiling and waving.
i hope i didn’t weird you out with all this, but know that you have touched one more individual’s life. you are the strongest woman that i don’t know.”
i just needed to thank you for that and let you know that your kind words have touched my heart. thank you for reading my blog. and thank you to all of you who continue to do so. i hope you’ll all stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to this chapter of my life.
whatchoo talkin' 'bout?