now i’m anxiously awaiting the arrival for my friend dr. t., who’s bringing me panera for lunch.

nuggetdaddy brought me z pizza yesterday and it was heavenly.  it was the first real food i’d eaten in days.

i’ve been getting visitors, but everyone seems to come at the same time, so i have lots of long drawn out periods of boredom. 

the steroid jitters are the worst of it this time, next being the nausea, but that’s fairly well controlled.  i might have to have a transfusion before i go home, whihc will likely be tomorrow, but today’s hemoglobin went up so maybe not!

nuggetdaddy is running all around the state of virginia today for work, so i will only get to see nugget once and not unitl this evening.  bummer.

my dear friend barbara visited me today.  she brought disney couture bracelets for nugget and me.  so sweet and just gorgeous (just like her)!

the steroids are really starting to get to me.  i have lots of nervous energy and have a hard time sitting still, despite the fact that i don’t exactly have loads of energy.  i had an ativan nap this afternoon and plan to have another one tonight with phenergan.

the nausea has really kicked in and my appetite is pretty much gone.  that’s okay though.  all i have to do is drink fluids.  i won’t be starving to death anytime soon.

okay, dear readers, that’s the best i can slap together for you right now.  have a good night!

nugget and nuggetdaddy are here with me the entire week this time.  they are staying with our amazing friends, kristie and brian,and their two little girls who live super close to the hospital, again.  i am so thankful to have such awesome friends and happy that nugget will have “the other mommy” to look after her. 

it’s really challenging being an ap mama while trapped in the hospital.  were he in the room, nuggetdaddy would remind me that that’s what daddies are for.  i’m so lucky to have a partner in parenting that shares the same goals and ideals as me.  i know staying at home would be easier for him.  i’m glad he’s got not only nugget’s, but my best interest at heart.

i’m too scatterbrained at the moment to write a long “yeah me!” post, so you’ll have to check back after the drugs kick in.

peace!

nugget and nuggetdaddy will come up on wednesday or thursday and stay with friends in lansdowne until i’m ready to leave.  

nugget is already missing her mama.  she loved the video email, but cried for me tonight when we skyped.  i had to call back after she got into her pajamas and sing her winnie-the-pooh songs while she jumped on the bed.

the nurses are great so far.  the pharmacist = FAIL.  it took foreverrrrrr to get my pain meds, and frankly they’re no better than what i take at home.   one likes to imagine that at least while in the hospital, pain might be better managed. ahem.

moving on… it’s late and normal people are sleeping. the steroids coursing through my veins say to me, “hey, let’s party!”   i think i’m going to turn on the tv and take some ativan shortly to see if i can trick my body into sleeping.

good night, all. we’re only $74 from goal #2!  i really hope we can meet (& surpass) it while i’m in for this first dose of chemo!

. . . . . . . . . . .

in response to reaching the $3600 goal:

YEAH!!! you guys (and ladies) rock!  i am SO touched by your genorosity.  i hope you’ll continue to spread the word. feel free to pass along this link: http://bitsofmyself.com/help-me-make-a-stand/ it will give interested readers a taste of my blog and show them exactly how they can doante directly to my team.

want to search for my star in the constellation? check it out & pass it along! go to: http://www.standup2cancer.org/constellation-launch?op=search

. . . . . . . . . . .

i’m deep into day two now.  feeling nauseated and in pain at times.  a wicked headache sprung up on me.  my face is a lovely shade of red from the chemo.  it happened last time, too.

i didn’t get much sleep last night (but that’s a story for another day’s post) so i’m going to try for a nap now.  wish me luck, since it’s shift switch time, and nothing good ever happens then.

yesterday afternoon, nugget and i picked wild blackberries in the backyard and counted the first of our bloody butcher tomatoes in the garden.  this memory alone could get me through chemo.

tomorrow, i’m having a ct scan with contrast, which means (lucky me!) i get to chug two nasty bottles of “banana smoothie” readi-cat barium.  barf.

friday, i’m having a biopsy; more specifically, an endoscopic ultrasound-guided fine-needle aspiration of mediastinal adenopathy.  what a treat.

sunday, we’ll celebrate father’s day with my parents and grandparents with a barbecue at our house.  that night my friend arrives from georgia.

monday, i’ll make a quick and early jaunt to the hospital for another pulmonary function test and muga scan.  these are just pre-chemo baselines.  then more friends should arrive.  at least there are some bright spots to this weekend.

right now, i’m waiting for lots of doctors to call me back.  i don’t like the oncologist we met with yesterday.  i’d rather use my oncologist in northern virginia.  i love him and his staff.

i still need to be sent to a national cancer center for evaluation.  yesterday’s oncologist seemed rather ho-hum about that idea and looked at us as if we were asking for a first class trip to china.

thankfully my mother has been here daily, keeping things in line, cleaning, cooking and reminding me when nugget’s ready for a nap.  that would be now, and so am i.

the past few days i’ve spent with my head in the sand, as far as it will go, coming up for air only when someone insists on asking about tomorrow.

i’ve also invested a good bit of time in starting my own standup2cancer team.  you can join it here.  our first goal will be to raise $1500 by my 36th birthday on august 15th.  this will be my second birthday spent fighting this disease.

now, i’m asking you, dear reader, to do whatever you can.  join.  donate.  buy an awesome t-shirt.  invite everyone you know.

i called my oncologist’s answering service and he called me right away. he’ll be reviewing the scan with his radiologist first thing tomorrow and then we’ll have another call by 11am.

i coincidentally have an appointment with my gp tomorrow for what we thought was a lingering sinus infection. nope, that’s just the cancer giving me the fever.

my uncle is setting me up with an oncologist down here. assuming this is the real deal, i’ll have to start chemo asap. they’re also talking stem cell harvest.

i’m posting this update via crackberry from bed with nugget happily draped across me, asleep, nursing and clutching the other boob in her little fist.

i asked her if she remembered having to stop nursing before. i sobbed and tried my best to reassure her that we will try so very hard to make it back to where we are now.

this is beyond horrifying. i can’t believe we have to go through this again. i can’t believe i have to force my baby girl to stop nursing again. the chemo, that’s nothing.

fuck you, cancer. fuck you very, very much.