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as much as this ostrich has enjoyed her view of the sand for the past two months, tomorrow i’ll be getting my head back in the game. i have an appointment with a new oncologist.
i love my original oncologist, but he’s in northern virginia and that’s finally become a point of contention. my transplant oncologist, however, is the one who sent me looking for the nearest sand pit, and truth be told, a new oncologist. i really just could not deal with his callousness, nor step foot into that mcghetto hospital one more time, though i imagine anywhere i’d gone for the transplant i would now loathe.
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from livestrong.com:
it’s world cancer day and we’re all doing our part to encourage our friends and family to take some simple steps to fight cancer. one important way to guard against cancer is to talk to your doctor about your risk factors.
will you send the message below to your friends and family, asking them to check in with their doctor today? a little encouragement goes a long way and we all have to work together to keep our loved ones healthy.
there’s a choice we’re making. we’re saving our own lives.
my blog is not a goldfish. i didn’t forget you were here, waiting for the little flakes to fall like tears from a star.
i’ve spent the better part of today looking for myself, wondering what happened to me, if i might remember, and so that i don’t forget again. there have just been so many days in such a very long row that i’ve been lost, lost to myself, to my family, my friends, my neighbors, to you.
this afternoon i put in a few more hours working on my office. i found some of my tools in the garage. i’d missed calling them mine. i found spools of ribbon in a cabinet and remembered the christmases, birthdays and weddings i’d gotten them for. i hung rolls of pretty wrapping paper on freshly painted rods while listening to music i hadn’t heard in far too long. i heard forgotten memories in long-loved lyrics and found little bits of myself tucked into drawers, hidden away in boxes and slid between the pages of books.
the room isn’t finished and neither am i. i have so many things to do. i hear a thousand projects and unanswered thoughts calling my name. perhaps it’s here, in my own space, that i’ll be able to sort through them all.
i had a pet scan this morning. it should determine if i am in remission. it’s unheard results are weighing heavily on my heart and mind. it’s hard to focus when there’s so much to see through.
i still need help to get through most days, somtimes paralyzed by a fear that hangs on to me like a shadow. it’s hard to ask for help day after day. it’s hard to watch myself being consumed or idly slipping away. but even though i might not be all there, i am still here, waiting, just like you.
tonight, i’m going out with the ladies from our neighborhood for what they’ve aptly named “ladies’ night.” i’ve been terribly depressed for a good while now, so hopefully this will provide me with a much needed, albeit short, mental respite.
it’s hard to blog when i’m depressed. you can gauge my state of mind for yourself just by the frequency of my posts.
monday, i go back to inova loudoun for the week for my last dose of eshap chemo before my transplant. no, cancer doesn’t get labor day off.
it’s hard for me to blog wen i’m home from the hospital, have chemo brain and family staying with us to help. so, this morning i snapped a bunch of garden pics for my twitter feed. check those out here and follow me on twitter, subscribe to or watch my twitter feed, “tweet, tweet” on the sidebar when you’re waiting for me to blog.
last night as i was n, my blood pressure skyrocketed and gave me the most horrible headache i have ever had in my entire life. no exaggeration, no dramatic hyperbole. the worst ever.
thankfully, they lowered my bp with meds and gave me some dilauded for the pain. i’m doing much better today, but it was indeed quite a scare. i seriously though my brain might explode.
so, today i get to have a transfusion. yeah, me! maybe i’ll have more to say about it after i’ve had it. wish me luck.
well, not exactly. just got the news that i’ll have to do a fourth chemo before my transplant. this is going to be a short post so i don’t swear a lot in front of my grandparents. ugh.
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