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tomorrow, we visit with the local oncologist and discuss what national cancer center my case will go to for review. i am terrified. i do not want tomorrow. i do not want to be any closer to the hell that is going to rain down on my family for yet a second time.
the past few days i’ve spent with my head in the sand, as far as it will go, coming up for air only when someone insists on asking about tomorrow.
i’ve also invested a good bit of time in starting my own standup2cancer team. you can join it here. our first goal will be to raise $1500 by my 36th birthday on august 15th. this will be my second birthday spent fighting this disease.
now, i’m asking you, dear reader, to do whatever you can. join. donate. buy an awesome t-shirt. invite everyone you know.
i had a PET scan monday afternoon. this evening i got the results from my uncle, since he’s the chief of radiology at the hospital i go to now in richmond. the initial report concludes that the disease is back.
i called my oncologist’s answering service and he called me right away. he’ll be reviewing the scan with his radiologist first thing tomorrow and then we’ll have another call by 11am.
i coincidentally have an appointment with my gp tomorrow for what we thought was a lingering sinus infection. nope, that’s just the cancer giving me the fever.
my uncle is setting me up with an oncologist down here. assuming this is the real deal, i’ll have to start chemo asap. they’re also talking stem cell harvest.
i’m posting this update via crackberry from bed with nugget happily draped across me, asleep, nursing and clutching the other boob in her little fist.
i asked her if she remembered having to stop nursing before. i sobbed and tried my best to reassure her that we will try so very hard to make it back to where we are now.
this is beyond horrifying. i can’t believe we have to go through this again. i can’t believe i have to force my baby girl to stop nursing again. the chemo, that’s nothing.
fuck you, cancer. fuck you very, very much.
monday, the pet specialist will read my scans. i should hear something that day. i’ll be sure to post as soon as i do.
tonight, nugget and nugget daddy are sleeping in nugget’s big girl bedroom (aka, the guestroom) because mama is radioactive. this means i get the whole california king bed to myself. well, myself and the two cats. i hope they can find some room to squeeze in. the steroids are doing wonderful things to my physique. i’ll share with you my lastest self-portrait.
a woman i used to work with messaged me on myspace this week. i read it yesterday and it absolutely made my day, which i might add was spectacularly craptastic up until then.
“i started working at magic kingdom back in 1997 and only partially knew who you were. you were always cool to me at town square and spectro and stuff, but we were only acquaintances.i happened upon your page through mikki and started reading your blog, “bits of myself”, and i cannot help being taken by how fucking amazing you are. sorry for the language from someone you do not know, but i can’t think of any other words. i don’t even remember where i started the “bits”, but i backed up to where you found out you had cancer. by the time i got to your final breast feeding with nugget, there were uncontrollable tears streaming down my face at how you kept apologizing to her, for something that you did not ask for.
i don’t know how much all of this means coming from someone you don’t know, but i just had to get this out. i was driving ddct floats when you were at mk with your baby girl, and i saw you two days in a row. knowing how painful it must be, there you stood in the sun, in a tank top, bald…smiling and waving.
i hope i didn’t weird you out with all this, but know that you have touched one more individual’s life. you are the strongest woman that i don’t know.”
i just needed to thank you for that and let you know that your kind words have touched my heart. thank you for reading my blog. and thank you to all of you who continue to do so. i hope you’ll all stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to this chapter of my life.
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