you could think of it as somewhere between here and twitter, content-wise.  it’s like the bonus features on the dvd of me, and is chock full of easter eggs.  lucky, lucky you.  i’ll add a feed to the sidebar here soon.

follow me on tumblr here.

thank you all for being at my side, in whatever capacity that might be.

i’ve spent the better part of today looking for myself, wondering what happened to me, if i might remember, and so that i don’t forget again.  there have just been so many days in such a very long row that i’ve been lost, lost to myself, to my family, my friends, my neighbors, to you.

this afternoon i put in a few more hours working on my office.  i found some of my tools in the garage.  i’d missed calling them mine.  i found spools of ribbon in a cabinet and remembered the christmases, birthdays and weddings i’d gotten them for.  i hung rolls of pretty wrapping paper on freshly painted rods while listening to music i hadn’t heard in far too long.  i heard forgotten memories in long-loved lyrics and found little bits of myself tucked into drawers, hidden away in boxes and slid between the pages of books.

the room isn’t finished and neither am i.  i have so many things to do.  i hear a thousand projects and unanswered thoughts calling my name.  perhaps it’s here, in my own space, that i’ll be able to sort through them all.

i had a pet scan this morning.  it should determine if i am in remission.  it’s unheard results are weighing heavily on my heart and mind.  it’s hard to focus when there’s so much to see through.

i still need help to get through most days, somtimes paralyzed by a fear that hangs on to me like a shadow.  it’s hard to ask for help day after day.  it’s hard to watch myself being consumed or idly slipping away.  but even though i might not be all there, i am still here, waiting, just like you.

there was a mass exodus on foot.  people fled the city via every bridge possible.  the subways and trains weren’t in service.  grand central was locked down because of bomb threat. our building was locked down, too.  a cell phone signal near impossible to come by.

nuggetdaddy was working in new jersey then and i was finally able to get a hold of him.  we decided i would take the first train out of the city and he would pick me up whereve we could both get to.  i made it on the first train out of grand central.  it was sweltering.  the train filled with an acrid stench.   most passengers were covered in a heavy white dust, and in more than their fair share of blood.

it didn’t matter where the train was going, people just got on in hopes of making it out of the city.  the train stopped at every single station en route.  it took seemingly forever.

nuggetdaddy picked me up at the fleetwood stop and we decded to try to drive back into the city.  we had pets and freinds to check on.  family and friends desperate to hear our voices.  we were finally able to make it back in over some tiny bridge in the bronx.

by now the city was silent.  there were no planes in the air, no people on the streets.  when we woke up the next morning the wind had changed direction.  the stench was unbearable.  we stayed in the apartment all weekend, happy to be alive and at home with the pets and dr. roommate.

so, su2c, there’s your answer!

it’s hard to blog when i’m depressed.  you can gauge my state of mind for yourself just by the frequency of my posts.

monday, i go back to inova loudoun for the week for my last dose of eshap chemo before my transplant.  no, cancer doesn’t get labor day off.

so, after nugget’s tantie left, her aunt katie and uncle “hibbip” (phillip) came for a visit. nuggetdaddy and i made it up for jenny’s show in alexandria. then my mom from florida came for her turn at casa de bits. nuggetdaddy and i both celebrated birthdays.

now, i’m back in the hospital enjoying a week of chemo, hopefully my last before my transplant. my pet scan was good. the report says “virtually no (cancer cell) activity,” that the site of involvement is “1/2 to 1/3 the size” from the previous scan and there is “comparably less (lymph) nodal involvement.”

i’ve just had 10mg of ambien, so i should be checking out soon. i’ll try to blog again in the morning. peace!

on facebook you can find a bunch of bloggers telling su2c what they stand for.  shown here is brad from cancer is boring.  (brad, i very much agree.)

nevertheless, i’d like you to send me your pictures – here’s the twist – of you in your standup2cancer t-shirts telling me for what, whom or why you’re standing up.  i’ll add your photos to the help me make a stand page, much like the locks of  love page, and pimp your blog, store, cd release… you name it.

so, go on, get busy!  go to the su2c shop at cafepress and order your shirt.  then send me your photos of you in said shirt with your sign and whatever info you’d like published alongside your photo.

and remember, cafepress fulfills su2c orders at a 25% discount, enabling su2c to direct the discounted monies towards cancer research!

today is the day i start my journey on the road to battle, my second battle, against hodgkin’s lymphoma.  i’m asking you, my friends, my family, my neighbors, my husband’s co-workers, my best friend’s school, my stylist’s salon, my doctors and nurses, my blogosphere cohorts, my readers, to join me.  walk alongside me, hold my hand and help my family as we once again stand up to cancer.

in my previous post, i mentioned the su2c.org team i started.  have you joined yet?  have you donated?  did you help spread the word?

i’m asking for your blog posts, your tweets, your plurks, your stumbles and diggs.  email everyone you know.  i need you to.  you.  i need your help.