read the full post at my sister’s blog, if i had a photograph

want the pieces.

but let’s not forget, this is mine, and sometimes

i just want the break.

and just like before, i’ve had it, a break from real life, a break from virginia, a break from cancer. and just like before, i’m back. things are happening and i’m here to tell you about them.

something big is in the works. stay tuned and check back often. better yet, subscribe! xxoo

okay, let’s talk about why i chose poor josh kilmer-purcell as the brunt of my prank on the internets (mainly google’s seo algorithm).   first of all, i love, love, love josh kilmer-purcell.  josh kilmer-purcell is wicked entertaining.  josh kilmer-purcell and his hotty mcsmarty-pants doctor hubs, dr. brent ridge of her holiness martha stewart fame (squee!), are the fabulous beekman boys.  the fabulous beekman boys, which airs on planet green is always hilarious, witty, beautiful, often poignant and, well, of course fabulous.  josh kilmer-purcell‘s television show is my new crack.  if i were a gay man, or any man for that matter, i would absolutely want to be josh kilmer-purcell.  or maybe dr. brent ridge, because he is josh kilmer-purcell‘s man-of-interest.  let me think some more about that one…  josh kilmer-purcell and dr. brent ridge are both smart, funny and hot, so i could go both ways.  (“that’s what she said!”)

josh kilmer-purcell is a super witty author.  josh kilmer-purcell has published three fanfuckingtastic books, i am not myself these days, candy everybody wantsand the bucolic plague.  i suggest you click on over to amazon.com and order all three of the new york times bestselling author josh kilmer-purcell’s books.  click right here for josh kilmer-purcell’s books on amazon.com!  on josh kilmer-purcell’s super fabulous lifestyle brand beekman1802 website, josh kilmer-purcell lists instructions for having one’s copy of the bucolic plague signed by both josh kilmer-purcell and dr. brent ridge.  i am giddy with motherfucking delight over the prospect of this actually happening, but fear that once josh kilmer-purcell gets wind of this john c. mayer-ing business, josh kilmer-purcell will just drop my copy of the bucolic plague into the undoubtedly super stylish trash can behind the desk of josh kilmer-purcell and dr. brent ridge’s beekman 1802 mercantile in sharon springs, new york.  sigh.

now that you’re up to speed on who josh kilmer-purcell and dr. brent ridge, the fabulous beekman boys, are, let’s talk about all of the things i possibly have in common with josh kilmer-purcell.  and by “talk” i mean you sit here and read my incessant rambling about josh kilmer-purcell and myself and pretend like you see any sort of comparable similarities.  got it?  so first and foremost is the fact that josh kilmer-purcell and i have both have spent a lot of time dressing up in sparkly fabulous costumes.  josh kilmer-purcell used to perform as a drag queen.  i used to perform at walt disney world, with a lot of drag queens.  whoa!  did you see how drag queens just snuck into the conversation?!  i bet drag queens come up a lot when one is talking about, or even to, josh kilmer-purcell.  josh kilmer-purcell’s amazing book, i am not myself these days, is a memoir of josh kilmer-purcell’s escapades as “aquadisiac” and all of the fun josh kilmer-purcell had being aqua, a very glittery lady who wore a bra with goldfish in the cups.  i totally had goldfish when i was a kid.  sweet!  another point for me in my pursuit of comparison to josh kilmer-purcell.  and since we’re keeping score, john c. mayer has neither written a book, let alone three, nor worn an aquarium bra.  if i’m wrong on either account, john c. mayer feel free to post a response and i’ll retract that statement.

josh kilmer-purcell, 5 (1 for each book + 1 for each fish).  john c. mayer, 0.

(side note, to prove i really do love all things beekman boys and josh kilmer-purcell-related, i am watching the beekman1802.com live goat cam while writing this and, oh my god! i just saw josh kilmer-purcell’s llama, polka spot!  polka spot has a sweet new haircut… there she is again! i can see her fluffy tail!!! and goats!!  i wonder if i’ll see josh kilmer-purcell and dr. brent ridge’s goat farmer, farmer john?  or josh kilmer-purcell?  or dr. brent ridge?  i think i might pee myself a little if i did.)

alright.  besides wearing wigs, (did i mention wigs?) women’s clothing, performing in front of live audiences and goldfish-keeping, what else have i got in common with the illustrious mr. josh kilmer-purcell?  josh kilmer-purcell is a serious real life writer, so natch he has a blog.  hey, i have a blog!  hey, i have two blogs!  two more points for me.  i, however, am not a serious writer.  i am a mommyblogger who writes about her kid.  josh kilmer-purcell blogs about kids, too.  betcha thought i was about to lose a point there, huh?  better watch it or i’ll start taking points away from you.

did you know that i used to live in manhattan?  and that that’s where i met my hubs?  bam!  just like that, two more things that are exactly the same for me and josh kilmer-purcell.  is this too easy?  how about we both love gardening?  and composting?  and growing our own food?  and cooking?

josh kilmer-purcell once prepared food for jean-georges vongerichten and i once made a tart from a recipe by jean-georges vongerichten.  jeez, it’s like six degrees of kevin bacon with me and josh kilmer-purcell.

time to wrap it up and put this john c. mayer into action, folks.  josh kilmer-purcell is an ad man.  i used to be an ad girl.  in new york.  i know, right!  score!

and for the win, here we go: vodka.  yes, vodka is what puts a big, silky, red, hand-tied, martha stewart bow on top of this whole john c. mayer.  if aunt becky had named her blog something like, say, bring me a brandy, bitch! i probably would have skipped on over to something else.  but vodka is a drink i can get behind.  this mommy certainly wants vodka, too.  and josh kilmer-purcell also loves vodka!  touchdown.

final score:

josh kilmer-purcell, 8,387,216,387

me, 16

john c. mayer, still 0

(ps. please don’t hate me josh kilmer-purcell.  you and brent are genuine heroes of mine.  second only to martha stewart.)

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updated saturday, september 18, 2010, 1:28am to add:

it appears that if you google both josh kilmer-purcell and dr. brent ridge then this post about josh kilmer-purcell comes in at #5 on google’s first page.  would john c. mayer consider this success?

screencap:

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updated again to add this screencap taken saturday, september 18, 2010 at 10:30am for the google search “josh kilmer-purcell” and “dr. brent” in which this blog comes up as both #4 and #5!

my ever productive sister has started a new blog.  it’s delicious, like summer tomatoes shot with a holga at the farmers market.  why don’t you go read that while i try to figure out the meaning of my life, and how to style my new flock of seagulls-ish haircut.

you could think of it as somewhere between here and twitter, content-wise.  it’s like the bonus features on the dvd of me, and is chock full of easter eggs.  lucky, lucky you.  i’ll add a feed to the sidebar here soon.

follow me on tumblr here.

thank you all for being at my side, in whatever capacity that might be.

i’ve spent the better part of today looking for myself, wondering what happened to me, if i might remember, and so that i don’t forget again.  there have just been so many days in such a very long row that i’ve been lost, lost to myself, to my family, my friends, my neighbors, to you.

this afternoon i put in a few more hours working on my office.  i found some of my tools in the garage.  i’d missed calling them mine.  i found spools of ribbon in a cabinet and remembered the christmases, birthdays and weddings i’d gotten them for.  i hung rolls of pretty wrapping paper on freshly painted rods while listening to music i hadn’t heard in far too long.  i heard forgotten memories in long-loved lyrics and found little bits of myself tucked into drawers, hidden away in boxes and slid between the pages of books.

the room isn’t finished and neither am i.  i have so many things to do.  i hear a thousand projects and unanswered thoughts calling my name.  perhaps it’s here, in my own space, that i’ll be able to sort through them all.

i had a pet scan this morning.  it should determine if i am in remission.  it’s unheard results are weighing heavily on my heart and mind.  it’s hard to focus when there’s so much to see through.

i still need help to get through most days, somtimes paralyzed by a fear that hangs on to me like a shadow.  it’s hard to ask for help day after day.  it’s hard to watch myself being consumed or idly slipping away.  but even though i might not be all there, i am still here, waiting, just like you.

there was a mass exodus on foot.  people fled the city via every bridge possible.  the subways and trains weren’t in service.  grand central was locked down because of bomb threat. our building was locked down, too.  a cell phone signal near impossible to come by.

nuggetdaddy was working in new jersey then and i was finally able to get a hold of him.  we decided i would take the first train out of the city and he would pick me up whereve we could both get to.  i made it on the first train out of grand central.  it was sweltering.  the train filled with an acrid stench.   most passengers were covered in a heavy white dust, and in more than their fair share of blood.

it didn’t matter where the train was going, people just got on in hopes of making it out of the city.  the train stopped at every single station en route.  it took seemingly forever.

nuggetdaddy picked me up at the fleetwood stop and we decded to try to drive back into the city.  we had pets and freinds to check on.  family and friends desperate to hear our voices.  we were finally able to make it back in over some tiny bridge in the bronx.

by now the city was silent.  there were no planes in the air, no people on the streets.  when we woke up the next morning the wind had changed direction.  the stench was unbearable.  we stayed in the apartment all weekend, happy to be alive and at home with the pets and dr. roommate.

so, su2c, there’s your answer!

it’s hard to blog when i’m depressed.  you can gauge my state of mind for yourself just by the frequency of my posts.

monday, i go back to inova loudoun for the week for my last dose of eshap chemo before my transplant.  no, cancer doesn’t get labor day off.