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now i’m nothing
May 5, 2008 in attachment parenting, breastfeeding, meme, mothering | Tags: breast feeding, breastfeeding, nursing, pumping | by bits of myself | 1 comment
i could wait forever to get the news, but somehow i’ll be dragging myself in to meet with the surgeon on friday for both a follow up and the final pathology. i’ll promptly be getting a second opinion as suggested by my husband’s parents (they’re both mds).
in the meantime, i’ve started prozac and xanax. i try to pump every now and then, but it makes me sick just to look at the pump’s bag, let alone open and use it. i can’t seem to let down despite attempted relaxing, thinking about nugget, or smelling her blanket, so i’m not really getting that much.
tomorrow is nugget’s gymboree class and slightly early 15 month appointment. i’m glad we scheduled that early so i can nurse her after her vaccines. i’m sure her ped will secretly be thrilled to hear that she’ll possibly be moving on to cow milk. blech. she seems to think that she “needs” that because she’s dropped back down to her birth percentile since she started walking. somehow she doesn’t get that she was just a fat and happy breastfed baby and now she’s a normal active breastfed toddler. ugh. don’t even get me started. i guess she’s lucky i started my meds or else i’d likely have gone off on her.
tears for fears
May 3, 2008 in attachment parenting, breastfeeding, child-led weaning, meme, mothering | Tags: attachment parenting, baby-led weaning, breast feeding, breastfeeding, child-led weaning, mothering, nursing | by bits of myself | 1 comment
i’m not even sure to where to start. remember that fever? it finally went away. then it came back. a second set of bloodwork later, the doctor still thinks it’s viral. i get a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. then i need a ct scan. then i need a biopsy. then the biopsy has to be done under general anesthesia by a mediastinoscopy, and a bronchoscopy is thrown in for good measure. now they think I have hodgkins.
i know that there are readers who will get this so much more than others that have already heard it from me. my biggest fear? what if I have to have chemo and stop nursing my daughter? it’s going to break her little heart (and mine) if she looks up at me, her mama, with her pleading, beautiful blue eyes and signs for her nursies and i have to say no.
i can’t say any more than that right now. i just can’t. this fear is crippling me and the tears won’t stop.
whatchoo talkin' 'bout?