i’m sorry. right now, i cannot be a good friend. i am not a good wife or daughter, sister, neighbor, niece or cousin. i love you. i appreciate everything you do for me and for my family. but for now, everything i have, every smile i can eke out, every happy moment, belongs to my daughter. i can’t give you what you want, not today and maybe not tomorrow either. i don’t have enough for you.
my fear is all-consuming. i am endlessly treading its dark waters. your well-intended positivity crashes into me, knocking me down before washing back out to sea. your genuine, heartfelt words of hope leave me salty-eyed, gasping for air, bracing for the next wave of “you’re so strong!” or “kids are so resilient!”
your generous offers to help are not falling on deaf ears, but i’m afraid my desperate cries for it are. i can hear you happily proposing your casseroles, a walk in the park, an eager ”whatever you need!” i’m sure one day i will very much need those things. today i just need simple kindness, compassion, companionship. i need you to hug me and hold my hand. i need you to stop worrying about the tasks on your list and just be with me, sit here and keep my head above water.
i realize nothing about this is convenient for you. i know the closer you are to me, the deeper the water, the stronger current. i’m sorry that you’re being pulled in, challenged, diverted from your regularly scheduled life. but, this is my nightmare and sadly, you’re in it.
so bite your tongue,
you’re not the only one
who’s been let down.
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August 2, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Posts that moved me…posts that moved you… « PhD in Parenting Blog
[...] Bite your tongue: This is the first post that I read on the blog Bits of Myself, written by a breastfeeding mother who was diagnosed with cancer and had to wean to undergo treatment. I’ve been hooked and moved by everything she and her daughter are going through ever since reading this first post. This post really grabbed me because I could picture myself thinking the exact same thing if I was ever in that same situation…and every ounce of my being hopes that I never will be. [...]
June 25, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Mitzi
I am so sorry. I am sure you are tired of hearing that, and probably very surprised to be hearing from me, but I’m at a loss of words as to what else to say.
My prayers are with you and your family, Jenn
June 10, 2008 at 10:55 pm
bits of myself
i guess all the previous months’ posts are fair game as well. that’s right each month gets a winner, kids! step right up!
June 10, 2008 at 8:13 pm
SC
DS
June 1, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Bethany
I’m so glad Geri told us about your blog – I feel badly for not having kept in better touch these last few months. I’m struggling to find the words to say, and none of them will be right, but just know that I will be here, reading about your journey, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and wishing you peace.
May 31, 2008 at 10:09 pm
katbur
My daughter was 17 months old when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It sucks and no amount of platitudes changes that. If you haven’t already seen these you might want to check out Planetcancer.com, youngsurvival.org and when you’re in active treatment a site like lotsahelpinghands.com can really help. Good luck and best wishes.